“La musculoca numero uno” a.k.a “Ricardo Fort”

If you’ve ever seen a guy on Argentine television or magazine covers that looks like the local, male equivalent of Cher, you have come across the awesomeness that is Ricardo Fort, our country’s biggest (by FAR) guilty pleasure. So why is Ricardo Fort famous? Probably for the same reason Paris Hilton is: money. He is a millionaire, heir to the Felfort empire that spans from chocolates to candy to cereal to easter eggs to ‘diet’ products. Also, Fort loves to show his money, dazzling those less well off by proudly displaying his limited edition Rolls Royce, private jet and extensively worked on body (pectoral and ass implants, I’ve been told). If you look at this ‘musculoca’ you will wonder why the hell could anyone be interested in some rich playboy whose face and tattooed body look like they were put together by some mad scientist, the answer is: it’s fun. He is the probably the biggest ‘papelón' around town, a raging queen defending his ‘machismo’ by publicly dating ‘vedettes’ (cough beard cough), “singing” and “dancing” his way through Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ on popular Argentine TV show ‘Showmatch’ (put ‘ricardo fort bad romance’ in youtube, you will thank me later), and trying to be taken seriously as a menswear designer, even though his taste is disgustingly ‘grasa’. We don’t cringe at the sight of such an attention-whore, we don’t feel ‘verguenza ajena’, merely revel in the fact that Fort is apparently the only one not in on the joke and has deluded himself into believing people take him seriously. Sorry, Ricardo, but we are laughing at you, not with you.
    What is a ‘musculoca’? A combination of ‘músculo’ (muscle) and ‘loca’ (queen), and Fort, despite all his miserable attempts at conserving some ‘machismo’, is the definition of this porteño slang. Right now he’s serving as one of the judges on ‘Showmatch’s’ ‘Bailando por un sueño’, which is the local version of ‘Dancing with the stars’, and no one is quite sure what qualifies him as a judge since he is a frustrated singer who can’t carry a tune and moves with all the fluidity of an 80-year-old woman, as you can see in his ‘Bad Romance’ clip (watch it NOW!). Plus he can barely speak English, which makes his voicing ‘caught in your bad romance’ sound more like ‘cach en ior vad romans’. For a taste of Fort’s deliciously ridiculous nature go to his website, www.ricardofort.com, but turn your speakers down because ‘Bad Romance’ will start playing automatically. Seriously, no person with such a Gaga-complex can be straight. He is 42-years-old, but his face is probably a couple of decades younger, and he jumped into the limelight when his father died and he inherited millions and millions, which he then proceeded to throw around at his hired girlfriends and probably bribing TV shows to let him sing.
    Okay, I can’t take it anymore. You HAVE to watch this:  Ricardo Fort "Bad Romance"
It is the essence of Fort, the divine charm that springs forth from his (implanted) chest. It is a work of beauty, of genius, so inspiring it’s literally painful, but watch at your own risk, since you might either laugh, cry, groan or want to beat your head against your keyboard.
    He was recently in the news because he proposed to one of his whorefriends, and she publicly turned him down on ‘Bailando por un sueño’ right before he gave her a 10/10 for her choreography. With such local drama, who the hell needs to watch Gossip Girl?

    When will the Fort-mania end? Probably quite soon, when people get tired of his (implanted) ass, but don’t hold your breath. Just remember, Ford-bashing is acceptable and even welcome in decent society, though come to think of it, decent society would probably not even mention him.
    I once heard that if the world were to be destroyed by a nuclear war, the only things to survive would be cockroaches… and Cher. I would like to add Ricardo Fort to that list.
    To the ‘locos’ and the ‘locas’
    El Pendejo Porteño